Excitement That Mixes With Fear

Adoption is exciting....very exciting. I longed for God to open Larry's eyes to the blessings of children with disabilities, and when He did I was overjoyed! Then when God used that same husband to call us to adopt internationally I was scared but it was still exciting. Then we saw Oksana and again, even though it seemed scary, there was an excitement about this little girl coming into our home. Even Clayton felt it. Every time the phone rang or an email came he'd rush up to me and say "Is that about the adoption?" Everyone walked around our house for months with the words "I can't wait to meet her" coming from our mouths. But as with many things that God calls us to there is also a reality behind that excitement. It's taken us awhile but reality and fears are starting to set in.

For Clayton it started with his buddy Thomas. Thomas has been blessed with a wonderful sister who arrived in their home 2 years ago from China. One day Clayton came to me and said "Mom, I'm starting to have second thoughts about adoption." When I asked why he told me that Thomas said that he was excited about his sister too but now she just gets on his nerves! I was actually glad that Thomas said that. It gave me a great opportunity to remind Clayton that she WILL get on his nerves! Evan gets on his nerves and without a doubt Oksana will too. She's a real kid just like everyone else. Yesterday we all had a talk about changes that will take place when she gets here. In many ways it will be like having a baby in the house again only she will be 5. Still....she will need to learn to walk, talk, and be potty trained. She will take a lot of my time. Of course we always balance that with the joy she will bring, the wonderful big brothers they will be, and that when Evan was born these things all happened to Clayton and yet he can't imagine his life without his brother now. They are still excited for Oksana...but reality has set in.

Then there is me. The former Special Ed teacher who dreamed of adopting a child with a disability. This is a dream come true. I've been so blessed to have been able to talk to people who have met Oksana, and I know a bit about her personality, but still fears creep in. For me it started with the books. In an effort to learn as much as possible about adoption I have read some really scary stuff. Things that have made me have to put my book down and walk away for awhile. Then the "what ifs" kick in. The "what ifs" are a not fun things to walk through. They steal my joy, but they are reality for many families who choose this road. A dear friend who recently adopted posted on Facebook, "Adoption is not for the faint of heart". So true. Just when I thought that I was following a dream come true I've realized that God tricked me ;) into a journey that would cause me to need to rely on Him more than ever! And that alone, my friends, makes this a blessing despite any "what ifs"!

Realize, I'm not saying that we are second guessing our decision or that we aren't extremely excited to meet our sweet girl and get her in our arms. I'm simply saying that there is so much unknown that comes with any adoption, much less a 5 year old girl with CP who lives in an orphanage in Eastern Europe. I'm thankful to not travel the road alone, and know that she was chosen for our family by the Lord. That gives great peace and battles the "what ifs". Our family will be molded and shaped in ways we could have never imagined by this wonderful girl, and while I know the road won't always be easy, it is a journey well worth traveling to save Oksana!