The number one question I get from people is "How is bonding going?" In fact I was asked this again by the PT at Shriners just the other day. I thought I'd take a moment to write about our experience. My disclaimer, of course, is that everyone's experience is different. Some people have no issues at all others have far more than we do. I know one family who has had a VERY hard time attaching to one adopted child but they fell in love with the next one instantly. There are no guarantees. No age, disability or lack of disability, orphanage, past experiences, etc can guarantee you that you will or will not have attachment problems. So here is a bit about where we were and where we are.
There was a point on this blog back when we first brought Oksana home where I wrote a post that basically said I need a break from this blog. I struggled with telling you the truth, which was basically that I did not like this child at all. Yet if I continued writing all of the great stuff I felt like a liar. Ask anyone and they will likely tell you they struggle with the same things when they blog. People handle it differently. Some are OK with brutal honesty, others lie their fool heads off to make it appear that everything is fine. I chose silence until things got better because I didn't know what to do.
During the process of adopting a child you are given a picture and a brief description. You may even know people who met the child and spent some time with them. You start to create in your head an image of who you think that child will be. I created the fairy tale adoption story complete with me and my new child running towards each other in slow motion in a field of daisies and embracing each other. What? My child has CP and she can't run? That's OK she can crawl but either way she will have a big huge smile on her face because she will now have a mama! So that's a slight dramatization of what was going on in my head during the paperwork process.
Then I met her. Oh boy. The first time we met we got 10 whole minutes with her and she seemed absolutely wonderful. Then came our first long visit with her and that was the moment my adoption fairy tale ended. Fast forward to coming home. After what is easily the worst 36 or so hours of my life to get her home (child birth was much easier), I was left with this child who was annoying, manipulative, and would go into raging screaming tantrums several times a day if anything in her world was anything less than absolutely perfect. I spent HOURS watching her pull out her hair, claw at her face, bite her arms, SCREAM in my face, throw things, and try to hurt me or whoever else was in her way. I remember a friend came to visit. She just kept saying "OH I loooooooooove her, I looooooove her". I thought "Good take her...try spending 24 hours with her and see if you still LOOOOOOVE her". Yet I felt horribly guilty. Wasn't I supposed to be the one that loved her? I didn't even LIKE her!
The simplest things in life were made in to a nightmare by her. I honestly thought my life would never be "normal" again. I celebrated getting her to bed and dreaded the moment she woke up. This is the best way I can describe it....Have you ever had a neighbor kid who drove you CRAZY?! You couldn't stand it when the kid showed up at your front door and breathed a sigh of relief when he left. He came to your house with tons of annoying qualities and respected none of the common courtesies of your home. Now imagine no one ever comes to take him home. He won't go away and you keep wondering where is his MOTHER?! That's kind of what it's like. I lived the phrase "Fake it until you feel it" and in that time God taught me things about love that I never would have learned without her.
Fast forward again another few months. Things had improved drastically. Believe me, we still had our issues and so did she, but we were actually starting to enjoy her....I would even say we liked her! I remember one night she was playing in a box that had come in the mail and Larry said "Do you know how I know things are getting better? Because I haven't calculated postage to send her to Ukraine in that box!" Our feelings for her grew and grew until we went through what I guess others call the honeymoon period. I always thought that came as soon as you got home but ours came many months later. We ADORED her. Again, was she perfect....were things all completely better? No, but our new normal had set in and we were finally able to enjoy being a family of 5. I thought bonding and attachment were over...we were done.
It was about this time that we decided to move. We moved from Arkansas to Missouri and I have to confess that I didn't see what happened next coming AT ALL. Oksana regressed, big time. She was whiny, clingy, overly affectionate with other people, and just downright obnoxious. It was a huge road bump in our attachment that took me totally by surprise but taught me a TON. Bonding and attachment doesn't happen over months and it doesn't happen all at once. It is a process that takes years and it is a roller coaster. Even today we go through periods of time when I can't get enough of her and periods of time when I think if I have to spend one more minute with her I will scream. I can definitely see the ups and downs of the roller coaster of attachment. Over time the ups last longer and there is more space between the downs but they are still there. I've learned to roll with them and love her in the best way I can regardless of what I am feeling at the time. Do I love her? Without a doubt. Passionately and fiercely. That doesn't mean it's not still hard sometimes.
So why are we doing it again? Because I know that the benefits FAR outweigh the struggles. I know that my life won't be "normal" again, but over time we will find a new normal. I know the joy of seeing a child learn to love and learning to love right along with her. I know that I can't imagine my life without her and someday soon I won't be able to imagine my life without Anya. I know that I can find joy in my trials and a closeness with the Lord like nothing else will bring. I know that adopting has changed our lives in more ways than I can count and it's worth it....so so worth it.
6 comments:
I personally hate when people ask me how bonding is going. How the heck should I know!? Its going!
I'm so glad you & Ellen were honest with me about your feelings. Knowings its normal for some people and that its ok and it will get better gave me strength to just do it another day. I'm still waiting for our honeymoon though...maybe its better not to have one?
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I think everyone that adopts needs to hear the reality of it. We were blessed that our first adoption went well but as we are in the process again I want to be prepared for anything.
Thank you so much for spilling your guts on this. When I think about what lies ahead for our family, I am terrified. I've even begged God to withdraw His call to adopt because I am selfish and I know my happy world is going to be upset. Hearing what you went through/are going through gives me hope. You've been through horrible times, yet you're doing it again. Thank you. I needed to hear it.
Although we don't have bonding issues, we have other issues. I think all adoptions come with some issue or another. What is comforting and encouraging is that yours was hard, and you're doing it again. It's so worth it!
Oh my friend, this is so well said! I am sharing this!
I'm glad you shared this!
I wish more adoptive parents were honest, because the deception of "everything is peachy!" isn't a good thing. It leaves soon-to-be adoptive parents with an unrealistic expectation, you know?
I think bonding with an adoptive child is much more similar to the process of bonding with a step child vs a newborn baby (particularly one you've birthed yourself.)
I do think that this is a topic that many parents are afraid to discuss. Even biological parents. I think we can all admit that we've all felt a disconnect at one point or another. I know my bio kids have gone through difficult stages when I would dread spending time with them! (Case in point: that awful tantrum-over-everything stage!) But very few parents admit that. And there's a big difference -- there's an underlying love that has been developed with a child who you've parented since they were a newborn. You haven't formed that foundation with an adopted child, so it can be difficult.
I'm just glad you stuck it out! That's a true act of love -- to endure, even when things are uncomfortable.
I hate to hear of cases where parents give up after a few months. I know of one case where a RR family adopted two kids from a so-called laying room and one was just struggling when he arrived home. They "rehomed" him within a few months! That's just terrible; I don't oppose disruption, but you need to give it a real shot! You owe it to the child and you owe it to yourself.
It took years for that child to become the traumatized child he was when he was adopted; it's unreasonable to expect that he will be able to work through his issues in a few months! The same goes for any adopted child.
Anyways...
I applaud you! I'm glad you shared your experience. I'm glad you didn't give up. And I'm delighted to hear that you're willing to do it all again!
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