Trauma

Blog #2 for the day....which may or may not be the last one :). 

While I'm on a kick of recommending things today, here is the next one.  Many of you, especially if you are in the adoption community, have heard of Heather Forbes.  She is the author of "Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control".  She recently wrote a new book called "Help for Billy". 

 

 

Help for Billy is a book about how to help children, who come from trauma, in the classroom.  Let me tell you....when I heard about this I was first in line to buy it.  As many of you know school has been a very hard struggle for Oksana.  Her behaviors there have put me through every emotion you can imagine.  We've tried every single behavior management technique out there with no success.  Reading this book has literally completely changed my perspective on and my understanding of her behaviors at school....and at home for that matter.  I am about 80% through the book and yesterday I saw the work that it is doing in my heart.  Yesterday afternoon Oksana's para shared with me an "episode" she had that morning when she discovered that her special ed teacher had a sub.  I'll just share that it wasn't pretty.  For the first time I didn't want to cry, I didn't get angry, I didn't plan a punishment as she was talking.  I just understood.  It all made so much sense.  The more I learn the more I understand how wrong I have handled her behaviors in the past (you can not parent these kids like kids who are raised in loving families).  And the more I learn the more I want to educate those around her.  After hearing the story, I asked her para if she would be willing to read a book.  I told her about this and she went home to immediately download it to her Kindle.  I plan to recommend it to her whole IEP team.  I know Oksana is not the only child in that school that would benefit from the teachers having a deeper knowledge of kids who come from trauma. 

 

Having said all of that, I am looking for a new psychiatrist for Oksana.  Let me start by saying that I have no doubt that Oksana needs medication.  No doubt at all.  However, when the only option EVER given to me to help her is to increase her meds or add new meds, I start to question.  When I ask a question and it isn't thoroughly answered...or even better it is answered with a different answer because she wasn't listening, I start to question.  When she tells me we need to use behavior management techniques and then gives me no resources, help, or recommendations, I start to question.  When I mention the name Heather Forbes and she has no idea who I am talking about I wonder how much work she has done with kids like Oksana, and I start to question.  I'm thankful that she got us on the road to healing but it's time to find someone who can take us beyond a chemical straight jacket and into some real healing for all of us.

 



Skweezrs

It's been awhile since I've blogged.  It's been a combination of being busy and having so much to blog about that I don't even know where to start.  I might do a couple of blogs today but to start I wanted to tell you about a company that I recently learned about.  I know that many of you who read this blog have children with special needs, so likely many of your kids have some sensory processing issues as my girls do (and acutally one of my boys too).  Skweezrs is a company that was started by a mom of 2 girls with autism.  She makes some really neat products out of lycra.  She found that finding sensory products for her girls was very expensive, so her goal is to make products at a reasonable price for families.  If you have done any research on how expensive these things can be I think you will agree that she has succeeded!  Here is a link to her etsy store:  http://www.etsy.com/shop/skweezrs?ref=seller_info

She makes sheets and here is the description from their etsy page:

“Skweezrs” sheets are great for those children who need to relax and calm down at bed time. These sheets are kid-friendly sheets in fun colors for all kids. They work especially well for kids with Autism, PDD, Aspergers, ADD/ADHD, and other neurological disorders.

Some of the therapeutic benefits of "Skweezrs" lycra sheets include spatial awareness and deep-pressure input. Some autistic children seek deep-pressure sensory stimulation and need that pressure to soothe an over-stimulated, disorganized nervous system. This therapeutic sheet can help to minimize such behavior and help your child relax faster.

Here are some pictures of the sheets as well as pictures showing them being put on a mattress:

They also sell body socks....here is the description of them from the etsy site and some pictures:

Skweezrs" are kid-friendly, fun, therapeutic socks made for any child with sensory issues. Autistic children love these socks. The body socks are made from four-way stretch Lycra®. This product is a batman sock without Velcro closure. If you want something other than what is listed please let us know.

Some of the therapeutic benefits of "Skweezrs" body socks include gross motor control, spatial awareness, and deep pressure input. Some autistic children seek deep pressure sensory stimulation. This therapy can help to minimize self-stimulating behavior (such as rocking, repetitive talking, or mouthing). It can also increase a child's ability to concentrate and organize, thereby allowing the child to respond more effectively to both academic and social stimuli. "Skweezers" are a perfect addition to any sensory diet

Finally, they also sell tubes for kids to crawl through.  They don't have them listed on their etsy store right now but I just contacted her and asked about them and she got me all set up.  Here are some pictures:

We ordered Oksana a sheet and a 6 1/2 foot tube for her birthday.  She is going to be THRILLED!  We also got Anya a sheet.  I'm anxious to see if they are helpful....I'm sure they will be.  I'll report back when I have them and have used them but I was so excited to find this company that I had to share!

"God, I will die for these children"

The other day I was on Facebook and I saw a post about a movie coming out called The Drop Box.  This movie is about a Korean pastor who wanted to do something about the growing problem of babies being abandoned on the street so he created a “baby box” where people could anonymously leave their baby in a safe place.  I was immediately intrigued by this so I watched the trailer and something at the very end hit me pretty hard.  I tried to find a way to embed the trailer but it wasn't working so take a moment to go to their website and watch it:

http://www.dropbox-movie.com/trailer.html

Did you by any chance notice that quote at the end?  It said “God, I will die for these children.”  I was so taken by this quote and how it applies to my own life.  Parenting children with special needs has brought me so much joy but it is not the easy road.  Parenting adopted children with special needs who come from a past of neglect, trauma, and abandonment is a road like none other.  I’ve learned more about love and dying to self through these girls than through any other person or event in my life. 

On the good days it is a joy to see the person that God is making me through them.  He is continually dealing with my selfishness, my pride, and my anger.  He is deeply refining me in ways beyond what could be done without the girls in my life.  As I’ve loved them and learned how to parent them in a way that brings healing, I myself have been healed.  It is hard, painful work but it is also good, necessary work to make me more like the person He desires for me to be. 

On the bad days, I’ll just be honest, that paragraph would be hard for me to swallow.  There are days when I say “God what made you think I could do this?”  I remember a day when Oksana’s behaviors had reached such a climax that I found myself curled up on my kitchen floor sobbing and asking God how in the world He expected me to begin to help her heal.  I know He has given me everything I need to parent all of my children but some days I feel powerless.  It is those days that I thought of when I first saw that quote:

God, I will die for these children

It is empowering to choose death.  I am choosing to die to self, and trust Him to use me for His glory.  I am choosing to die to my selfishness, and trust that He chose me for this and will help me.  I am choosing to die to my anger, and trust Him to fill me with what I need to love through pain.  I am choosing to die to pride, and trust Him to choose my path no matter what that means for me.  I am choosing to die for my children….all of them…..and walk the unique and wonderful road He has put me on with joy no matter what the circumstances at the time.  So now on those bad days I will simply say “God, I will die for these children.”  It reminds me that I am choosing Him and I am not alone.

The risk of isolation

"We'd love for you all to come over for dinner!  The kids can all play in the basement while we visit!"

 

"Would you like to meet us at the park?"

 

"You are invited to my child's birthday party!  It is at 6:00pm.  She'll have a blast!"

 

I'm sure you have had those invites.  I've had them and accepted them with great joy over and over again in my 13 years of parenting.  I love fun!  I enjoy fellowship with others.  I like time with my friends to laugh and have fun. 

Now let me tell you why each of those scenario's doesn't work for our family anymore.  My girls absolutely can not be left alone in another person's house.  Oksana can manage OK in some houses but she still gets into things she shouldn't, knocks things over because of her balance issues, and trips over things, often hurting herself and/or the children around her.  I don't leave Anya unattended in my own house where I have it appropriately childproofed for a 5 year old with DS.  There is no way at all I can leave her unattended in someone else's house.  I learned from experience that Larry and I have no fun at all in these situations and we leave far more frustrated than refreshed.  Oh and don't forget that now Anya is totally overstimulated and will give us negative behaviors for a couple of hours following our "fun" get together.

So what about the park?  Well let me tell you about that.  I once went to a park outing with a bunch of homeschool moms.  I was SO excited for the chance to visit with these women.  What happened is that they sat together under a pavilion and talked while their kids played.  I ended up on the playground with their kids because Oksana can not be left in a park to navigate the equipment alone.  Now that I have Anya, parks will not be happening at all without Larry.  Anya will end up in the parking lot, or sitting on a stranger's lap, while I am taking the 20 minutes necessary to help Oksana maneuver the slide while a gaggle of children wait behind her. 

Birthday parties?  Certainly every kid loves a birthday party.  We now have to say no to every single evening birthday party invitation.  Trust me, we tried it, and every single one ended in disaster.  Oksana needs her sleep and when we keep her up late and then at the same time totally and completely overstimulate her it ends in a major melt down.

I don't say this to complain.  I love my life.  There is nothing I have ever wanted more than to parent all 4 of my children regardless of their abilities or impact on my social life.  I say this to help others understand, and to say that living with a family like this puts us at great risk of isolation.  I am involved in a number of online communities and this is a theme I see come up over and over again.  Families are isolated.  They are lonely.  People don't understand them.  I can relate....and I'm not sure what to do about it.

One solution is to have people to our house.  That is certainly an option.  Can I be honest about this?  It takes a great deal of intention for me to do this.  I know full well that while having people over is the best route for our girls, it is also the hardest route for me.  Now I need to clean my house (I'm sorry if you think that is crazy but I can not comfortably have people over when they have to make a path to get through my living room), I need to consider what I will feed them (did you know I hate cooking?), and I need to give them the speech about what to do if one of my children tries to hug them, sit in their lap, etc.  Then I have to give Oksana the lecture about giving people personal space, not using them to lean on, etc.  Can you see why I'm not on the phone inviting people over every weekend?

We do have other options.  One is that Clayton is 13 and since the girls go to bed so early we can put them to bed and then meet up with people.  I'm not saying we are out of options, simply trying to show that living with kids with special needs can easily put you on a slippery slope to isolation.  Does anyone else feel themselves slipping away?

 



Life through Oksana's eyes

Oksana got a camera for Christmas. I was skeptical but then I saw an ad with a great camera for kids. It was big, chunky, sturdy, and it took pictures and videos. That has become the favorite gift of the year. For weeks she carried it everywhere and took pictures. The pictures are so funny because they give such an interesting perspective. First of all her balance is compromised so she can't stand still and shoot photos. On top of that she doesn't have the best vision and this camera doesn't exactly have an nice big clear screen.   That leads to a lot of black pictures because she has the camera practically on top of the object!  I also find it fascinating that the pictures that we would throw away are the ones that she likes best!  Add all that together and you get a very interesting glimpse of life through Oksana's eyes in the pictures on her camera. Here is a sampling:

 

Daisies

Today I got a wonderful new perspective on my journey of attachment with Oksana.  A year ago I wrote a post where I said that before adopting Oksana I had created my own fairy tale adoption story.  That fairy tale included us running toward each other in slow motion in a field of daisies and embracing.  She would have a huge smile on her face because she finally had a mama!  Well if you've followed this blog long you know that there were no daisies in my field.

Today I was sharing this story with a friend and she commented on the fact that the daisies must come eventually.  I will admit that for a moment I had to think about that.  Have we had our field of daisies?  2 1/2 years later things can still be hard.  A year ago I had no idea that Oksana would be diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder.  That definitely explains a lot of the reason that we've struggled so much.  And then it occurred to me.....we are planting our field of daisies one daisy at a time. 

When we laugh together...really geniunely laugh and enjoy each other.....daisy

 

When she lets me kiss her goodnight without pushing me away.....daisy

 

When she hugs me...just because she wants to (this is a rare, rare occasion)....daisy

 

When she said "I love you" for the first time a couple of weeks ago while she was getting out of the car to go to school.  It had never happened before and hasn't happened again since.....daisy

 

What I realized is that the field may have been empty when we met, and the field may still be sparse today, but some day I may look back and realize that we are running through a field of daisies.

 

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

 

Catching up

I hope you all had a great Christmas.  Ours was....interesting.  Good overall, but interesting none the less.  Christmas Eve is always spent at church and with my family.  All 4 kids went to church with me.  Larry was in the band so I was a bit nervous about that.  They did fabulous.  Anya pooped right before service ended and then I realized I only had 4 wipes with me which was not nearly going to take care of the problem so I did the best I could and then rushed my stinky child home for a bath!  After that my family arrived and as is tradition, the food was out.  Unfortunately none of it was gluten free.  As I scrambled to find an alternative I could not take my eye off of Anya for one second or she would snatch food and have it shoved in her mouth faster than I could blink.  Larry was still gone so I was on my own.  That felt like a very frantic time for me and it was hard for me to relax.  When I finally got her fed and the food started to get put up it was much better and we were able to enjoy our evening.  Anya got the drift of opening presents fast but she wanted to open one and then play with it for 20 minutes before she opened the next one!  Oksana was a bundle of excitement and joy the whole night.  She was so excited for every single gift!  The boys had a blast with their cousin who they don't see much at all and got some nice gifts too.

We always spend Christmas morning at home and then head over to Larry's parent's house.  No food issues there, which was a big relief but we are learning that a whole day out of our house is too much for Anya.  When she is overstimulated she gets mean.  This is the third time we've seen the change in her so we finally put two and two together and made the connection.  When she gets mean it can look like scratching us over and over again or just having a major attitude which is really unlike her.  One time on Christmas she was playing a drum.  I cheered for her and normally she would get very excited, cheer for herself, and drum away.  This time she gave me the most evil look and then covered her face so I couldn't look at her.  Yep, time to go home!

Oksana was a complete joy through Christmas and then started to crash and burn about a day later.  The excitement of Christmas kept her afloat and then the overstimulation, together with the fact that she can't handle the lack of structure that the school break brings, led to a little kid with a big attitude.  She's still struggling but only for short periods of time during the day.

Here are some pictures of our Christmas and also from our first snow.  It wasn't much but my kids were thrilled.  It was Anya's first time in the snow and after some initial apprehension she loved it! 

Christmas Eve before church.

 

I love a gift that makes him use his brain :)

Yes, dear that is a nice toy but you have lots of other presents to open!

Christmas morning (Anya slept in).

This drum was the perfect present for her.  She LOVES drums!

This was the drum 5 minutes after opening it!  Oh well!  My mother in law had an old drum set that Clayton played on when he was little so we found her a drum anyway and she hit it ALL DAY!

Princesses were the theme of the year for Oksana!

 

Loving the snow!

 

She waited all day for enough snow to play!

 

This started as a snowman head that Clayton was protecting in the swing and then it evolved into our 5th child :).

 

The snow baby creators!

 

The snow baby took a fatal slide down the slide!

 

It was still snowing while we were out so she would look up at the snow and then say "OWWWW" when she felt a snowflake fall in her eye :)!