A long time ago I shared on here that Oksana had imaginary friends. She calls them "ticks". There are a number of them. The main ones are tick (yes he is a "tick" and his name is "tick") and tuke but there are many, many more. She often creates them based on other obsessions she has or events in her life so, for example, she has one named gluten free, one named room 51 (the safe room that she frequents at school when she is having a meltdown), etc. These "people" are her hands. She holds her hands up in front of her face in a certain way and talks to them. It is suspected by almost everyone that this is how she coped with long days stuck in a bed. Makes perfect sense, right? The small problem is that she isn't there anymore.
Before Oksana started school we didn't restrict ticks much at all. We figured they would eventually go away on their own to be replaced by real people and real relationships. Ha! Oh sorry....it's probably not appropriate to laugh there. Anyway, I remember when we were going to Kindergarten Orientation and on the way in the building she started talking to ticks. I told her that ticks were not allowed in school. I knew she was going to use them to ignore everything they said to her. That was the first time we ever restricted ticks. They were not ever allowed in school. The next restriction we made was in public. Ticks are not allowed in public. You can interact with us, or with the people around you but not your hands as we walk through the store, zoo, etc. Basically we allowed them in the car and at home and let me tell you...after a long day of school she would plant her butt in the car and out they'd come. She'd often say "I missed you!" and I'd have to pull her away from them to say goodbye to her para.
As time has gone on these have become a problem. She was literally with them every single second of her day that she could. It was ALL SHE EVER DID. When she wasn't with them she worried about when she would be with them again. If friends came to our house we had to remind her that we have friends to play with and we don't need ticks when friends are over, but it would never fail that real people didn't provide what she needed and the ticks would be back out.
I could see it was a problem but I was really lost as to what to do about it. It was obvious they were more important to her than anything. At one point someone suggested to me that she might be schizophrenic. I remember the night that I put her to bed and said "Oksana when you talk to ticks do they talk back to you?" That's a conversation I never thought I'd have with one of my kids. You can imagine my relief when she said no.
A few months ago this kind of came to a head. We were outside playing and Oksana accidentally tripped Anya. Anya was hurt but it was an accident that only needed an apology and a check to see if she was OK. Instead Oksana walked past her as if she had never seen her and didn't hear her crying. I stopped her and reminded her that she needed to come back and apologize and she glared at me and said "BUT I'M TALKING TO MY TICKS!" That was it....we just couldn't continue to go on like that. Rather than getting better she was getting sucked deeper and deeper into them. Larry and I made the decision to limit them. She could only talk to them for 1 hour a day, 30 minutes in the morning and 30 minutes at night. Her response was "But they will miss me!" I assured her that since they were not real they had no ability to miss her.
When all of the poop stuff started we restricted them even more and now we have completely taken them away. I have no idea if this was the right thing or not. I catch her talking to "someone" at least once a day and have to remind her that we don't talk to people who aren't there. She gets very angry when I catch her and often lies and tells me she was talking to me or someone else in the room. She's found ways to get around this by using puppets or dolls and I'm fine with that. There's a fine line between imagination and mental illness and I'm trying my hardest to find it and not cross it in either direction.
I still struggle daily with whether or not I did the right thing but let me share this with you. She is now playing with toys (even if she is talking with them at least it is more appropriate), she is more engaged with us, she even hurt Anya the other day and immediately stopped to apologize and check on her. She's also far more bored and sometimes fills time stimming on a ball which is a bit of another issue. We've suspected that the ticks were a stim of sorts and I think that has been confirmed but it is much easier to redirect her from the ball.
And in the end I will just say that parenting kids who come from trauma is HARD. I fail constantly. Sometimes I feel like I'm floundering trying to figure this out and do the right thing for her but I won't give up. Most people wouldn't do this but I'm committed to her even if in the end I end up in a padded room talking to my hands ;).....
1 comment:
I've thought this before, but OH my does Oksana remind me of K. Instead of "ticks," we have noises that accompany the hand movements. Typically, they are helicopters (the BIG obsession). He also talks "at" random things, and we've had the "don't talk to people who aren't there" (and were relieved to hear that he's talking to "pretend K"--self talk, I think). I completely believe that K's are a stim that he used to fill time--much like opening and shutting doors, etc. I'm so jealous that O has responded to being restricted--we are *constantly* reminding K "no noises," but it only lasts for seconds before he starts again.
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