Social Skills

As is common with many adopted children, Oksana struggles with her social skills.  One of the areas where she has trouble is not giving people space.  She gets right into a person's personal space, often hanging on them, whether it is to talk to them or just to stare at them...awkward!  We've been working hard on this by giving her reminders like "Back up and give space" or giving visual aids like a hula hoop around our bodies to help her understand the boundaries.  When she doesn't give space one of the many problems we have is that she uses her hands inappropriately on people for balance.  For example, last night she wasn't giving space and balanced....ummm...on the front side of our male friend's pants.  So embarrassing.  There are many other social skills that we are continually working on with her, but in the last 3 days it has become necessary to add a new skill, much to our dog's dismay!

From day one Oksana has not had much to do with our dog Bella.  It's not that she dislikes her, she just doesn't really bother with her at all.  She trips over her sometimes and gets frustrated with her but that's about the extent of her interaction with the dog.  Suddenly, however, 2 days ago she decided that our dog is the best thing in the whole wide world.  She follows her EVERYWHERE, is constantly in her face, and won't take her hands off of her!  Now I will confess here that I am NOT a dog person and it takes a lot for me to feel sorry for our dog, but goodness the poor dog is trying to find places to hide from her, so we have stretched our social skills lessons to include dogs!  We learned that just like people, dogs need space.  So now when I see the dog get that pitiful look on her face I remind Oksana that it is time to give her space to which she replies "But I love Bella SOOOOOO much!"  Oh poor Bella.

Does Bella look as happy as Oksana?!

Looking for an escape route.

A quick kiss before she goes because even when Oksana annoys her she still loves her :).

Bella is down the stairs at the door trying to be let out but she is following close behind!

Self Regulation and Thank You

Let me start with the Thank You.  I'm horrible about commenting on comments so I just wanted to say thank you to those of you who have commented on previous blogs.  I have researched and given thought to all of your comments.  There have been some great suggestions for our summer goals, great thoughts and ideas for reducing facebook time, etc.  Many of you have been such an encouragement to me.  Thank you!

OK now on to the Self Regulation.  I have been doing TONS of research on parenting children that come from trauma an neglect.  Oh how I wish I had known this stuff long ago but I guess in a sense you need to live it before you can realize how bad you need help.  I recently took a class offered at my church on parenting adopted and foster children.  It was based on the books The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis and Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control by Heather Forbes.  It was an amazing class but I won't get into that right now.  Since then I have been re-reading these books and I've been watching a video series by Karyn Purvis called Trust Based Parenting.  On top of it all, Larry and I are looking into going to a counselor that we know from our church who was trained by Karyn Purvis in Therapeutic Parenting.  We really see results in ourselves and in Oksana when we use these methods so I've become a bit obsessed with learning more.

Having said all of that I wanted to share this idea that I am really excited about.  In the Purvis video we are watching she talks about teaching kids how to self regulate.  Oksana can get pretty easily disregulated, and if it isn't dealt with that tends to be when we see her lose control and rage, so I'm jumping on this self regulation idea.  We've actually started by teaching her the word self regulation so she knows exactly what it means.  We all use different methods to self regulate (deep breathing, counting, etc.).  One idea I'm going to use is something I found on Pinterest and it was such a great idea for self regulation whether your kids come from trauma or not that I had to share it.  If you are on Pinterest you may have seen it. 
 
It is a bottle full of glitter.  When you make it you find a mix of water and glue that will allow the glitter to settle at the speed you are looking for.  I chose 5 minutes.  Mine takes longer than that but it's close enough.  It was hard to get that perfect mixture.  She absolutely loves it.  The goal is that if she is disregulated she can shake it up and watch the glitter settle to calm down or if she is in time out she can watch it settle and when it is at the bottom she can get out.  We just made them today so I'm anxious to see how they work in action but if they do what I think they will I may send one to school too.  You can find instructions and much better pictures of it HERE.  If you make one let me know how it worked!

Such a Bummer

Well the good news is that tomorrow at 2:00 Toni is going to the interview for our Article 5 letter.  I'd explain that to those of you who aren't familiar with the Bulgarian adoption process, but in order to do that I'd have to understand what that means!  What I know is it is another step out of the way.  So after we have our Article 5 letter it will be translated, along with our second stage documents, which are going to arrive this weekend with another family who is traveling on their first trip.  After everything is translated and ready it will be submitted to the MOJ (Minister of Justice) so that we can get a court date. 

So here is the bummer part.  The courts in Bulgaria close from July 15th - September 1.  There is no way at this point that we will get a court date before they close.  Once they open in September there will be a backlog of cases which means that we will not likely make it to court until October so depending how this all lays out it looks like Anya will not be home until November at the earliest and I supposed December is not totally out of the realm of possibility.  After a Ukrainian process that took 7 months from beginning to end this can get kind of old after awhile.  Just get her home already!  I'm trying to stay positive though.  The good news is that Anya is not in a horrible place.  Even if it isn't home and it isn't ideal, she is really OK.  It also gives us more time to prepare for her arrival.  Granted it is far more time than we need but I'm trying to stay positive...remember?!  :)  It also gives Oksana far more time than we expected to adjust to 1st grade and prepare for Anya's arrival as well.  We are looking into seeking professional help for us and her to help through the adjustment so, again, it just gives us more time.  Still....we are ready to have her home.

This is your brain on social media...

My friend Ellen and some other friends have been blogging lately about their addiction to social media.  It has really made me take a look at my own addiction.  Facebook is by far the bulk of my problem.  Earlier this year I put a limit on myself.  I was allowed to look at Facebook in the morning, after lunch, and before bed.  Not any other time.  I realized then how incredibly often I was clicking onto it JUST FOR SOMETHING TO DO.  I found myself checking it so often that there weren't even any new updates so I'd scroll through the old ones.  But the reality is that rarely was there not a new update because guess what I learned?  A lot of my "friends" are on Facebook all day doing the same thing I was.  Never did I have to go more than a few minutes before I could find out what cute thing someones kid did, what they ate for dinner, or where they were and who they were with.  I found myself checking it at a stop light, because what else am I supposed to do?  Wait for the light to turn green while doing NOTHING?!  YES!  That's exactly what I'm supposed to do!  It was out of hand.  I would post a status and then sit waiting for responses.  They gave me joy.

And it wasn't just Facebook.  Blogs, blogs, and more blogs.  I follow and read way too many.  Having said that, I do enjoy blogging.  It is kind of a diary for me.  I think it is fun and I don't feel the need to post something all the time.  I don't feel the need to share every detail of my life with you and I don't care if I go long periods of time without posting anything.  Wish I could say the same about Facebook.  And what about Pinterest?  I'd say that is the one I am least addicted to but, still, between the 3 I would rotate.  Facebook, Blogger, Pinterest, Facebook, Blogger, Pinterest, Facebook, Blogger, Pinterest. 

I told myself I'd stick to my "rules" of limiting my time online until I went to Bulgaria and then while I was out of country I could be on there as much as I need to be to get updates out.  After coming home I was back full force...Facebook, Blogger, Pinterest, Facebook, Blogger, Pinterest.  Then something happened.  We made a choice.  A choice that is the best choice for our family but a choice that some people might not agree with.  A choice that we have chosen not to share publicly.  And why aren't we sharing it publicly?  It's because I realized then that a large percentage of my Facebook page is made up of people who I don't know well enough that they would understand our decision.  Why in the world, then, am I sharing every other detail of my life with them?  I decided to stop posting anything on Facebook and just observe for awhile.  Here is what I learned.  I learned that there is WAY too much drama on Facebook.  I'm talking Jr. High level maturity in some of what is happening on there.  I learned that there are some people who work very hard to make us all think their family is perfect.  So perfect that I almost lose my dinner reading their status updates.  I learned that there are people who have nothing good to say besides the fact that they are at the grocery store and just found peanut butter on sale.  WHO CARES?!  I also learned that there are some people who make me smile when they post.  There are some people who have wonderful, imperfect families, and they have something useful to say.  There are announcements of adoption, birth, engagement, and it is fun to celebrate those.  There is support for every thing you can imagine and some of the groups and individuals that I have met there have helped me stay afloat in some rough times. 

I learned that it is hard to separate the good from the bad, and that the bad outweighs the good by about 10 to 1.  Finally I learned that despite all of that I find myself on there constantly....sigh....

If only my passion and desire to be in the Word was as intense.  Oh how I wish I could say that was true but the truth is that when my time on Facebook increases there is a steady decrease in my time with God.  When my time on Facebook increases my joy comes from comments and status updates, not from my time with the Lord.  It's a sad reality for me and I'm working to change this....again.  If you can relate to this or have any suggestions on what has worked for you, please let me know...and I promise not to sit around waiting for your comment ;).