A question that needs its own post

Would you adopt her over again?

You would be surprised how often I get this question.  Many people are also surprised we have not disrupted.  I've been pondering how to answer this because it brings up a lot of emotions for me.  I think I will first say that there have been times...primarily when she first came home and when she really went downhill 2 summers ago....that I could have easily said no.  Those were some of the darkest days I have ever experienced.  I don't know  how many of you reading this are Christians but there have been 2 times in my life when I knew without a doubt that God was asking us to do something really, really hard. This was one of them. To say no would have been direct disobedience and that is not an option for us.  So I can say with confidence that I know she was chosen to be our daughter.  No matter how hard it is, we know without a doubt that it is our calling to parent Oksana.  She is a part of our family just as much as every single other member and no matter what the future holds for her she will always have us.  Though this has been hard she has brought us joy in many ways:

- Oksana finds pleasure in the simplest things in life.  She reminds us to be thankful for the small things.
- Oksana is sweet and funny.  She loves to laugh.
-  Because of Oksana we are different people.  We are more compassionate, more patient, and more aware of the hurt that some people carry.  We are more willing to step into someone's life and encourage them because we have suffered alone and we know how hard that is.
- Oksana is determined and she inspires us.
- Oksana is girly in ever sense of the definition.  After having 2 boys she brought some serious bling into our house!  The more it shines and the brighter the pink the better!
- Oksana has taught our boys more than any other person in their life.  They will be better people because Oksana is their sister.
- Oksana has shown us that we are stronger than we ever thought we were. 
-  And I think the thing Oksana does that is more important than any of them is she taught me what love is.  Let me tell you...it is really easy to love someone who is lovable.  Love takes on a whole new meaning when you have to love someone who hurts you.  I've never asked for easy in my walk with the Lord, I've asked Him to use me and transform me.  He felt this was what I needed to understand love so would I do it again?  MOST DEFINITELY!

Now, you know I am trying hard to be transparent here so I want to say that while what I just wrote is a lovely sentiment, and every single bit of it is true, it doesn't in any way discount the pain of what we have been through.  Now I want to share with you a few of the ways our life has changed recently in comparison to the lives of other families. 

-While most mothers are finding cute hair styles for their girls, I am wondering if she will rip her hair out that day.
-While most couples are redecorating their kitchen for a new look, we are rearranging our kitchen so that our knives are locked up and out of her reach.
- While most families have a number code that gets them in their garage, we have a code word that tells the boys to remove Anya from the situation and keep her downstairs so she is safe.
- While most families watch their babies on monitors and then sell them when they grow, we are having cameras installed throughout our house to monitor her and keep us safe.
- While other families go to classes to learn the newest parenting techniques, we are being trained in how to safely restrain our daughter so that she can't hurt us and we can reduce the chance that we would need to call the police.
- While other families never consider that they will need a police officer, we have red flagged our house to let them know that we have an aggressive child and we need a CIT officer if we call. (A CIT officer has had 40 hours of training in dealing with the mentally ill).
-  While other families have safety plans in place to protect them from fire or tornado, we have safety plans in place to protect us from Oksana.

This is not a pity party, it is reality.  I've had my time of mourning, and it pops up again for short periods of time here and there, but we know this is our reality and we accept it.  Being this honest is hard and I did run this by Larry before I posted it.  I think for me, more than anything, I don't want you to fear mental illness or fear my daughter.  She is amazing.  When she is unstable we are careful where we take her and what we do with her.  We protect her as much as we protect everyone else.  The things we are doing are not because we are scared of her.  They are because we want to help her in every possible way that we can to be successful.  It is far better to be over cautious and never need it than the other way around.  I hope that answers your question.  Actually, it might be more than you ever bargained for ;)!

Next time I promise I will post something with pictures so you don't have to listen to me ramble :).